As a child I bathed quite early in the morning. The water in the vessel would be very cold since it is stored overnight- I would stand there with the first cup of water for a while before I muster the courage to pour it over me. I dread the first splash of that cold water over my skin- I try dipping my palms first and then splash some water on my feet before I finally am strong to actually put the water over me. And after that first cup I loved the cold water on me- it energizes me, invigorates me,wakes me up from the restful sleep. I feel alive and happy after the bath. I feel cleansed not only physically, but the cold water somehow washes off my lethargy, laziness and any traces of worry or upset. I feel alive again. Though this happened everyday- still I was petrified of that first cup of water.
In so many ways, on so many days- so many things replace that first cup of water in my life. The fear, the apprehension, the anxiety- I feel it so strongly. Inspite of knowing that everything happens for a reason and for the better in the long run, I cease to live owing to the debilitating fear. Fear of displeasing the society, fear of being judged, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being a failure, fear of letting others and myself down, fear of not being loved- such petty fears when we consider the grand scheme of things. It does not matter if I get an A, if I got it by fluke and it doesn't matter if I get a B provided that I did my best. But no, I am so bogged down by the expectations of society that I compromise my personal expectations. I sometimes feel the strong need to validate my actions because I want to be understood. I define myself so much around the people close to me that when one of them wants to not be close anymore- it makes me feel inadequate.
I have to learn to let go. I have to realize that everyone, including family and friends, are in our life for a reason and when it is fulfilled we have to move on. The best tribute to every happy memory is never remember it with regret. Never repent happy moments because it can't stay forever. Do not reduce the worth of a relation because one of us grew out of it. It does not make the good days any less wonderful. Nothing stays forever. Not even our body- not our parents, siblings, spouse, friends- not even memories.
I have today made some strides in confronting my fears. I have tried to not let any human being be the center of my life. I have tried to voice my opinions without caring for popular opinion and I must say- it feels good!!!!!
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