Love

"The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them."
~ Unknown ~

The words that I will lay out here

Shall not be called so- I forewarn;

They are pictures drawn upon

Sand of time with bleeding heart.

The thoughts that i show you now,

Are not just thoughts , let me be clear

These are tears and sighs so true..

Keep silence; you'll hear them cry.

These requests are not requests

But they are my prayers so pure

Please my Lord, Grant me Love

I am so deeply lost in illusion.

All Through I knew it well

Love is meant for You alone

And yet being in maya's clasp

I loved and still do- someone deep.

........................................

When "we" started I knew well

Nothing would just bring upon

A life for me and him together

A life when I could say he's mine!

Yet we loved like none else would

He took me like a new bloomed flower

Ever so cautious to keep me safe

Ever so caring to hurt me not.

Inspite of me, my own self

Inspite of all the grim days sure

I just could not love him less

Day by day- i grew attached.

Now , Like a kid on top

Of ladder tall and upright held-

One by one she climbed so well

But climbing down seesm so scary.

Oh My Lord of all things true,

Please please make me strong- I beg,

Someday he would have to go

Let me strength to see him go.

Please make me know that its OK

I will always have You- sure!

No matter how bad I am

You will always Love me true.

Let these tears i let go now

Beg You pardon for being so,

But still inspite of all this mess,

My Lord! I dont love him less.

Krsna, are you not Charmer?

You charm the heart of Cupid too

Please please take my heart away,

Please free me from all dismay.

I know this well, if I did hanker,

So much for You, the Lord of Lords

You would have whisked me from this world

And unbound me from Karmic Laws.

Lord, I am the most fallen

Lord I know I am weakest one

Please help me and guide me right

Please free me from this worldly woe.

I think I've my heart well hurt,

Good payback for doing wrong

And yet I cry out to you, now Lord

I am still not glad- please help me.

Help me Lord to love You true,

Help me Lord to love him right

He should be for me, that u say

Grant me boon to see it well.

Thank You Lord for letting me

Traverse this way and be all bold

Test of fire is so crucial

To make an ore to purest gold!

Confused mind

I sometimes wonder at the insufficiency of the world around... true that it can make us feel that there is nothing more we could aspire for..... in the sense- when we have a good family a nice surrounding, more than enough income - sometimes it does make us feel we r blessed and want to be so forever and ever.... Well nothing is forever , thats one part.. more importantly we ourselves would quite soon find us in a position that is in total contrast with the current pleasant situation.. that is the nature of this world. And yet, yet we try to believe that someday we would be perfectly satisfied by this world. I have been fortunate enuf to atleast "know" what is right and whats wrong.. what is good and what is not... still many times i stay for the easier option- preferring not to disturb or go out of my comfort zone. When many a times inspite of knowing what is right we settle for less because of our lethargy- Krsna says Lethargy and laziness are very bad vices....that always we should be engaged in doing Karma with a proper mindset - not with the feeling of I or being the doer, but as the instrument carrying out Lord's Will. It is very easy to think about this when i am sitting here and typing away..... a lot more difficult is to implement it in day to day life....

I wonder if being in this profession is what i really wanted.... I go to college out of obligation, cos there isnt a choice left over that.. but i am starting to wonder if i shud have been engaged in something that gave me satisfaction- like literary pursuits.Yes, I do like to heal, I do like to alleviate the suffering of ailing lot..... but... this is such a drag..... i feel many insufficiencies in the theories and methodology.... and moreover the course is so long.. i donot want to be dependent so long...... i want to do something to start my life ... i want to be engaged in serious devotional life.. no no- I don't mean to run away from all my responsibilities and say I am a devotee.. no!- thats not what i mean.. I wonder if i can make a living out of writing and studying literature that will bring true healing for the suffering of whole humanity. I want to recieve as well as spread the Mercy of Sri Chaitanya and Krsna and all the masters of disciplic succession.... I hope Krsna guides me.. I am wondering now as of what i ca do what i shud not...... I hope Krsna tells me... I hope the noise of my mind is hushed and all I hear is the eternal music from His Divine Flute.. I want to melt away in His melody all the material connections and be engaged, truly ,truly engaged in the Service of Lord and His Devotees.

My Sweet Lord !

This is a poem written some weeks back.. its a li'l long than usual ones... but I hope you would enjoy reading this....... Offering this as a tribute of love to the sweetest Lord of all worlds....

Oh Lord! the Sweet Lord of Lords,
To You I pay my humble obeisances,
Upon Thy Feet I offer fragrant flowers,
Unto You I offer freshly churned butter.
............................................................

When You let me off to this world so dark,
I rem'mber You gifted me an admirable gift
Wanting to enjoy apart from You
The Lord of Mercy You let me do the same.

Wrapped in a golden covering
You granted me gift called Free Will
Elated i was- i suppose,
Glad to go my way.

Roads I traversed in plenty
Some paths were strewn with flowers,
I immersed myself in mundane joys,
And not thought of You even once.

Some roads were laced with danger
The thorns of Karmic Law
When ill fate bounced upon me
I wondered 'loud "But why Lord me?"

Dark roads that made me stumble
Made my thoughts turn to You,
Alas! that moment apart
I fell back to my bad old ways.

One wrong succeeded next fault,
The sin of spiteful envy
The sin of name and glory
The sin of selfishness.

I went behind ephemeral shadows,
Assuming them to be best
Not once did I ever realise
That its all but Your expertise.

How can I yearn for shadows?
Why dont I crave for sun?
Hundred crore suns ane but nothing
And I am still groping in dark for candle.

A moment I say "Yes these are mine"
And proudly boast off on worldly stage,
Next moment I cry out in despair,
"Oh but why had it now gone?"

I vainly propounded ownership
I wished for worthy Love
Little did ignorant I knew,
Only You know how to Love true.

Yes! my most Majestic Lordship,
I give up my hope in this world,
My only guide shall be Thy Footsteps,
My only light- Your Lotus eyes.

With all the sighs of an erred young child,
WHo wronged her benevolent mom
'Here I am'- the Lord of all Gopis,
I come to surrender my soul.

I've burned my hand in the pyre of world,
The free will is just too short- sighted,
Trying to enjoy away from You,
I realise it just cant be.

My Lord is the treasure of all joy,
The key to the world of true bliss.
My Lord is the Lorsdhip of all Gods,
My Lord is the one to be Served.

Ah! so glad I am, back to be here,
To be a speck of dust of Your Feet,
And I place with utmost reverence
The Gift of Free will on Thy Feet.

"No Lord- not anymore"
I need not,this crazy horse,
I'm happy to be just ruled by You,
I'm glad to be Your unpaid maid.

This 'free will' was gifted why,
I recieved an answer now.
You gave me the gift of free will
To let me realise i need none.

Just as the way a loving dad

Let the kid the burn of a tiny splinter

Only to keep the child afar

From more deathly whorls of flames.

Thank You my most worthy Lord

To let me have gone this way

I now return to thy feet

And surrender all I have.

Take me into Thy shelter

I need no fame, name or gold

No grandeur ,no kinship, nor free will

All I need is Thy Mercy and Love.

Please Lord Keep my faith strong,

Let everything else just go-

Kith and Kin and everyone else

I need just thy Holy Feet.

Take back with limitless Mercy

This double edged sword called free will

Your Will be now on my will

I need no free will anymore.

Grant me the boon of serving You,

Grant me the boon of unshaking faith,

Grant me the boon of surrender true

And make me free of all wordly woe.

Let me be the servant there,

Most fallen, most worthless

I have not, the desire to rule now

All I wish is servitorship.

All Glories to Lord of Lords!

All Glories to Radha Rani!

All Glories to holy Vraj vasis!

All Glories to Vrindavan Dham!

I Disagree To Accept Injustice !!!

I Disagree to Accept Injustice!
Sometimes I feel so agitated, so disturbed.... I know I must not be so prone to mundane emotions and disturbances... but sometimes I just can't tolerate injustice that we see around. Like the death of BRO driver Maniappan Kutty- would the case be same if he were a high rank officer? He was let to be executed by the human barbarians of Taliban... (well, coming to their relegiousness in another story- we will come to it later...)What did we do? We Indians, Keralites in particular? The inertia of a Keralite is irritating. It doesnt matter to them what happens to the rest of the population as long as self interests are protected... Is that a way to live? Who lost in the game? Humanity! Politicians has nothing to do with it- most politicians have sold their consciousness and conscience for money and power- so I am ignoring them frm my view of world... but there are many NGOs, many influential people who could have possibly made a difference- a family is now orphaned- father who is a heart patient, mother who has cancer , small kids and unemployed wife- these are what is left behind by Maniappan Kutty.... I am sad I can personally do nothing for them but pray for him and his family.... But- such irresponsibility, such corrupted behaviour from the entire government is a matter of concern.
Its not the question of one life alone, but its the question of governments responsibility to protect the life of its citizen, its the question of a high officer's life being more important than a low post rank, its the question of humanity, a question of the great culture we uphold.
At times i wonder if we people should simply clean the earth of the dirt of politician, to unburden Her divine body from the ugly weight of the heinous activities of party leaders- sometimes there is just no other way- I now understand a bit; the spirit that Parasuraama , the incarnation of Lord Vishnu , vowed to cleanse the world from the fist of ruling unjust kings.... then that violence only propogate non violence... I have heard that Buddha , in one of his birth killed a person- he was threatening to kill hundreds of other men- so out of compassion Buddha kills him- so that other lives are saved and also this persons soul is protected from the reactions of killing so many people.. now that is what i call real compassion. Taking the sin just for the purpose to save another...
Today while going to hospital, an Esteem VX- KL 7 AD 4503 , if i am not mistaken- a posh car of some advocate, came into the main road from a pocket road - near Kaloor- a busy junction at our place, it was disregarding ALL TRAFFIC RULES, what to say of other rules- it was not having a rear view mirror tht was in use.. he or she had kept it all nicely folded.... 'cos no law is above their arrogance.... If I had power I would have cancelled their licence- a common man can be at times given the excuse of ignorance- but what about these uncivilized - so called educated men and women? I suggest that when lawyers break rules they must be given twice the punishment as of a common man. Only such steps can save our country- only such discipline can make our people aware of the manners that they have to observe in given conditions and environments......
But I would most readily agree that no amount of material education can enlighten people. If that be the case modern world must be heaven. We lack spirituality- and I am not simply saying of some effulgent power- no- I am saying about a personality- The Supreme Personality of GodHead. U and I must give up the propensity to enjoy this world, to gratify our senses.... When we give up all such tendencies and realise that we are mere instruments at working at the Will of Lord- then alone can we become truly happy content. Only then can there be real justice. Where else in the world can we see the perfect justice other than in the concept of Karma? Well- thats another long topic and we will discuss it soon....
I wish there be justice... if only all men were given a decent chance to live, if life was respected beyond the differences of caste creed and nationality, if education was meant to bring a happy world- where primary ( spirituality) is complemented by secondary ( material knowledge)... well - I know - world will come back to its roots- it will realise - no beauty, no knowledge, no power or any opulance can actually come to one's aid other than the Mercy of His Will. Take care dear,
Chant and Be Happy !

What is Science?????

What Is Science?I am perplexed by today's explanation as of what is science...... Is science now merely an experimentally provable branch of knowledge? Which is more significant- Experimenting or experiencing? Is science speculation? Learning physiology and anatomy in college I many times wonder- modern science so greatly explains every part of body- every part- from the genes to the gross anatomy- nerve course , muscles insertion and origin..... but can it ever explain what makes all this thing work in harmony? Even a dead body too has all these nerves, muscles, blood vessels and body fluids.... Whats the difference? The difference is of Vital force- Aatma or soul for the spiritually inclined..... When researchers spend life and fortune in mental speculation- stating and restating theories- how much dependable is the knowledge offered by them? These so called intellectuals find no difficulty in accepting that is said to have been proved by some of their counterpart in any other part of world... but these very people and a lot of common men find it really really difficult to accept what has been said by wise old ascetics- enlightened great men of their own country. They feel scriptures are nothing, but, concocted information meant to keep people in the illusion of blind beliefs..... I call such conclusions as blasphemy. Its good to accept new knowledge, but that should not fall to a level of blindly accepting what has been said by western scolars.
When we examine the world out here today, we find that its Indians who are most reluctant to accept the greatness of their own ancient culture. Most of the invaluable manuscripts, which are the cultural heritage of our country are not to be seen here.... great libraries in Germany and such developed countries have far more good and well secured collection of manuscripts from ancient India. They say Sanskrit is the best language for computer and related field. They look upon Ayurveda , as against the invasive therapeutics of Allopathy . The drain of our cultural and biological treasure is painful for any Indian to accept- the patents of many of our wisdom as well as plant/ plant products are now resting wth multi nationals..... It is such grim situation... but still not out of hand! We Indians have to accept and awake to our own great cultural heritage , then only can this scenario change.
I am a secular person- i respect the right to choose ones own relegion- but sometimes i feel outraged at the double standards of our own government and Judiciary. I am the daughter of a Christian - so , its obvious I am not talking against of for any community- rather I am talking as a citizen who wants justice to prevail. Why is it that the income of all relegious places except temples are allowed to be managed by the particular group of people, while the temples are directly under the control of government? Why is it proposed that the posts of temple administration and other posts to be filled in through PSC? It is unsecular and undemocratic.There should be equality- either let all manage their own funds or bring everything under government control- why, why are there such double standards? Its nothing but the attempt to secure their own vote banks by politicians. I am not for or against any political part- I like people based on their personal qualities- i will not vote for any person just because he belongs to a certain political part. We have such a lot of greatly educated people in our parliament- but all their skills are wasted , rather drowned in the sea of unholy politics. Its great national loss.... we citizens should respond to this... when we don't get what we were promised in the elections- ask for it- with force, with power...... We are not obliged to meet any treatment showered upon us- We are the voice, we are the masters of the constitution and parliament. If we keep quiet they will do whatever they feel like In malayalam there is a proverb- "if one don't sit where one is supposed to sit, dog will come and sit there" and u will be left with no place... more than 50 years of silence of masses has wrecked havoc with this country - not anymore.....
Oops! I deviated from topic- How many sensible people can believe in Big Bang theory? Its pure crap! Even to make some bread u need someone to do it- no bread comes through spontaneous accident- a power- a sensible, living power is essential for making even a toy car- then how on earth can we accept that whole universe and its entities came from some spontaneous explosion? That life came from nowhere- that it was an accident? All living beings also came into being from cumulative aberrations in genes and genetic material? Who, who can accept such non- sensical stories? Vestigeal organs, missing links- sophisticated and impressive terms to mislead common man. And the funniest part is , people can believe and accept such foolish concoctions- still cannot trust what has been said by enlightened souls. The theory of Karma is the most convincing theory for me to understand world. Its simply not possible to believe that some are born this way or that way as mere co incidence.... how children of same parents grown in same environment may have one intellectual and another retarded. It just cant be chance..... how same accident can kill one person while the other escape unscathed..... We can accept that 2000 year ago there lived an exalted soul named Jesus, but call Krsna , a historic personality who lived in India 5000 year ago as a belief????? There are many topics to discuss , but let me sign off for today- i will come tomoro with the great Indian system of calculating time and show its merit over other systems including Gregorian. by the way- did u know that even gregorian system makes a mistake of 24 seconds every year? See Ya Soon, May You Be Happy and Blessed!

Welcome!!!!!!!!

Hare Krsna !

Welcome to the alien world of my thoughts and dreams. Before we embark our journey, let me forewarn you- the entangled mesh of my thoughts may seem a little weird n fairly crazy to many, agreeable to a few and totally dumb to some others- but nonetheless, it would be a pleasant journey. A fun filled journey- You and Me- sharing few moments in each others company, together trying to decipher the intricacies of the puzzle called Life.

Lets start with a prayer.....

This is a prayer for all beings- young and old-regardless of caste, creed or colour; for believer and atheist alike.
Sit down ,quiet your mind- Say,

"May I be free from fear
May I be free from suffering,
May I be happy,
May I be filled with loving kindness."

Next focus on someone you love and say it on their behalf, then do it for a neutral person, maybe some one you don't know and finally for someone you dislike. In doing so, you nourish seeds of kindness and love in yourself and then let it radiate outside.

We have to realize that fear is what is dragging us back. We have to understand that suffering is a part of this world and that we ourselves can initiate to get rid of it. We have to know that suffering stems from desire, from expectation, from self-centeredness. If we have to be happy we need our expectations to be controlled. To divert our ever wandering heart and intellect to Him.

I have felt many a times- my greatest handicap is fear- fear of something ill happening, fear of being infamous, fear of being wrong, fear of being criticized, fear of being imperfect, fear of loving, fear of not being loved.... umpteen fears whose root cause is ignorance. I try so hard to free my mind from the iron fist of baseless fears, but they take their toll. I wish if God would give me enough faith to trust Him than my fears, I wish if He would light my way enough to see that what I assume to be ghost is just another tree on the way, to open my eyes to see what love is, in its real sense.

I am like the night flies- too easily tempted by a burning candle. They assume it to be a warm red flower in the cold, dark night. At first dancing around the fire and then trying to come nearer to the flame flower , eventually to find itself sans wings, sans life. Me too, in the rush of the world, in the net of passions and temptations, find myself caught in a flurry of emotions. I wish to be free , but when one part of my heart longs for freedom another part loathes it. I am divided in my own being- all I can do is ask Him to lead, to take my hand in His, to carry me when I just can't go on. To guide me right when I go astray, to hold me tight when I stagger. And to kindly; with Infinite patience and love; lead me to Truth- to serve Him and Be His.